(via andrewsmcmeelcalendars)Source: contacted.org
“Hey, Big Stupid, we need to talk.”
“Huh? Oh…hi…I forgot you were still here, Mitt.”
“Yeah, I know. I’ve been trapped in the baby’s closet for the last two weeks.”
“Oh! So you finally came out of the closet, Mitt?”
“You’re not funny. Look, it’s been fun and all, but I really think it’s about time I moved on. There’s really not much for me here anymore. There’s a whole world for a stuffed doll of a failed presidential candidate to explore.”
“Wait, you’re leaving?” I asked, suddenly exasperated. “But…but…where will you go?”
“Oh, I dunno,” Mitt said, looking off distantly. “I’m a leaf on the wind, baby. I go where the wind carries. Who knows where I’ll end up? Not even I know where I’ll go. And so I find myself leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong and hoping each time that my next leap… will be the leap home.”
“That’s the opening to Quantum Leap.”
“Oh right. That was a good show!”
“Seriously, Mitt,” I serioused. “What are you going to do?”
“Well, I already have my bag packed,” Mitt said. He had a handkerchief packed with baby doll clothes and Monopoly money hanging off a stick.
“Riding the rails, are we, Mitt?” I snickered.
“Hey, I can take care of myself,” Mitt sneered. “I’m a grown doll.”
“Seriously, Mitt, you look like a well-dressed hobo with that thing.”
“I know how much you’re hurting, Eric,” Mitt said. “That’s why I wrote a song to remember me by…”
“Oh please don’t sing. PLEASE…”
It was too late…
“I know you’ll miss all the times you were pissed
At all the things that I would do to you.
And I know you’ll be bored because you’re all poor
But what else can I do?
There’s a world out there that needs me to share
My genius and my sense of style
But you’re all the best and I can attest
That I’ll be missing you all for a while…”
“Okay. Goodbye, Big Stupid.”
“Goodbye, Mini-Mitt. We’ll…we’ll miss you. Well, my wife won’t. She hates you. But I’ll miss you…for some unknown reason. You’re kind of an ass. But an endearing ass…” I rambled.
“Okay, that’s enough. You’re depressing me,” Mitt grumbled.
He walked out the door. I went to see him off, and he’d disappeared. Like a leaf on the wind…
That’s when it occurred to me to check my wallet.
The little jerk took my credit card again.
Five things you absolutely won’t hear President Obama say tonight